We all have rich histories that inform our experience of “the most wonderful time of the year,” and

whether we got everything we wanted or if Santa failed to leave your Oscar Meyer Weenie Whistle

under the tree, the gift giving season can bring up a lot of uncomfortable emotions and memories.

These emotions can be heightened if we don’t celebrate commonly celebrated holidays, if we have

different cultural experiences that inform our experience of the holiday season, or if we simply

come from families who can’t afford to participate. The memories often come with anxiety, guilt

and shame, all of which are friends in the holiday season. If those feelings are showing up for you,

that’s okay.

There are no enemies here.

I grew up in a stereotypical Anglo-Christian American household, and I learned at a young age that

many presents under the tree = good. This strict lesson set up my lifelong use of gifts to express

love, to quiet sadness, and to suffocate guilt (though it often makes guilt worse because it comes at

the expense of a budget!). I’ve been pushed around by my fear of not giving the perfect gift and as

a result, I overbuy. You probably saw the stack of Amazon packages on my IG. Some of the

presents are thoughtful, but some are filler – last minute “oh shit there aren’t enough boxes” ideas

that simply add clutter to an already full playroom. Early on in parenthood, I realized I was

recreating the same expectations that my parents set up. No thanks. I want to do something

different. While understanding the origins of my behavior has inspired me to behave differently,

only behaving differently will make a difference. So let’s get to it.

First, let’s think through your own buying patterns, and a few strategies to guide your gift

purchasing and giving decisions. Then, we will turn to behavioral changes you can make in the

season that will align your life better with your values. I hope it helps!

1. Identify the Situation

• What is the situation that involves gift-giving?

(Example: Choosing a gift for a friend or family member, worrying about how the gift

will be received, deciding on a budget.)

2. Triggering Thoughts

• What specific triggering thoughts come up when you think about giving gifts?

(Example: “They won’t like what I choose,” or “I have to get something perfect.”)

• What Am I Expecting? Write down one or two expectations you have for holiday gift-

giving (e.g., “Everyone will love their gifts” or “if the tree isn’t jam packed, they will be

disappointed”).

• Where did you learn these thoughts/beliefs/expectations? How old do they feel? Do they

sound like anybody you know?

3. Emotional Responses

• What emotions do you experience when thinking about gift-giving?

(Example: Anxiety, excitement, guilt, frustration.)4. Behavioral Responses

• What actions do you take in response to these thoughts and emotions?

(Example: Spending too much money, avoiding shopping, overthinking gift ideas, having

sixteen hundred tabs open with many full carts and no “buy by” date.)

5. Consequences

• Short-term outcomes: What happens immediately after you act or avoid acting?

(Example: Relief after choosing a gift, stress from overspending.)

• Long-term outcomes: What happens later as a result of your actions?

(Example: Debt, strengthened relationships, regret about the gift choice.)

6. Explore the Function of Gift-Giving

• Why is gift-giving important to you? What purpose does it serve?

(Examples: Showing love, maintaining traditions, fulfilling social obligations.)

• How does the behavior align with or detract from your values?

(Example: If you value connection, does the gift-giving process help you connect with

others?)

• Reflect on Your Values: What values do you want your holiday season to reflect (e.g.,

generosity, connection, creativity)? Write down 2-3 values.

7. Barriers to Meaningful Gift-Giving

• What gets in the way of aligning your gift-giving with your values?

(Example: Financial constraints, fear of judgment, time pressure.)

8. Value-Based Action Plan

• Think of one small step you might take that aligns with your values and that you can

accomplish this week. What small, value-driven action can you take to approach gift-

giving differently?

(Examples: Setting a budget that aligns with your financial values, focusing on

thoughtfulness over expense, writing a personal note with the gift.)

No matter what you choose, keep your values in mind and move toward them.

Good luck and let me know how it goes!